I currently live in a regimented environment, and with environments of this nature comes rules and templates of ‘doing‘ and ‘being‘.
There is an unvoiced and voiced modifying of behavior everyone in this environment has to undergo. Your behavior has to align to the code of conduct.
I have broken the rules more times than I can count and a good chunk of my ‘rebellion‘ was unintentional. I truly didn’t set out to disobey or rebel, I just find that who I am and who I am supposed to be here are slightly conflicting.
I don’t like being constrained.
When I see people who conform easily, I am in awe.
How do you do it girl?
Recently, I had to have a conversation with myself.
Dee, why?? Why do you keep breaking these rules, why do you find it hard to just conform? Why?
The problem isn’t aligning or conformity, the problem is not having choices.
Some kinds of conformity give room for curiosity, and questions. Some give room for a little bit of self-expression and questions.
THIS conformity gives room for all of these but doesn’t leave room for me to ‘be’.
The decision of how to ‘be‘ was made for me and that stifles me.
I can deal with having to follow a rule book on what to do and when to do but having to keep checking myself from time to time to ensure my ‘being‘ is in line with pre-established rules is exhausting.
Unluckily for me, pretense isn’t something that comes natural to me. It isn’t also a skill, I could do with learning a little.
I am adulting, and daily I am learning that at times, life will make some temporal decisions for you and the only thing you can do about it is to choose the decision and move on.
This is life.
You learn, you connect the dots, you apply, you grow.
My soul is adding weight.
Can you tell?