Some ‘Why am I Like This Moments’ I have had in recent times.
On Mental Exhaustion
I engage my mind more than any other aspect of my body. At times with my permission and at other times without. I have a very hyperactive mind and taming it is a herculean task. Occasionally, I go the flight mode route on purpose but this mind has a mind of its own. I am tempted to think it is a person, a human on steroids and because of the level of work it does, exhaustion is always a consequence. The people close to me know I punctuate a lot of conversations with I am tired.
Aside: I heard people that constantly sit in front of a laptop or TV suffer from the ‘ Tired Syndrome’. How true is this?
On Conversational Laziness
I hit 23 and talking became a chore. Before now, not talking was a choice, it was not something that came natural to me. When I put my mind to it, like really really put my mind to it, I can be quiet. The kind of quiet that makes you get the creeps. I could be with you in a room and the whole time not say anything if I chose to.
Really weird stuff.
My quietness is not exactly surprising. It can be explained away because I am both introverted and extroverted. Ambiverted is the term for it actually but I am not exactly chummy with labels and all.
This season came and with it came a need for intentional quietness. I get the reason why but at times I think I hide being lazy under the cloak of ‘shift in season’.
It is justifiable but the truth still remains, I am conversationally lazy.
Or maybe I am not, I Just think I am.
So, conversational laziness came on board and now I almost resent people that rouse me to talk be it virtual or face-to-face, especially when it is about people. I truly cannot remember the last time I initiated a conversation out of curiosity or just for social etiquette reason/ to be perceived as socially compliant. Talking just seems like so much work and frankly, I am not interested in being socially correct.
What does that even mean?
On the outside it seems like I am just a quiet person but within, I know it is because I am just
mentally exhausted lazy. Conversationally lazy.
Aside: I initiated a conversation about sex with a guy I am familiar with today. Conversation went like:
“Are you sexually active?”
“What do you think about sex?”
Dude answered my questions with so much tact, I told him something that meant
“You are my new buddy”.
Dude went like “You are special”.
I know right.
On Introversion and Extroversion
My type of introversion can be likened to sipping tea, steaming, hot tea. I like to take people in in little sips. I observe you and then come out gradually, when I know you can take me in. When you come at me too strong or too slow, I shut down. When a conversation is more about people than ideas I get bored.
I think it’s a kind of snobbery.
On the flip side though, this kind of snobbery is justifiable.
I take my life really really really seriously, to sit and talk about people to me is to be intentional about being stupid. I am quick to go mum when a conversation that was about ideas turns into a discussion about people and their flaws. I let the awkwardness of my sudden silence do the talking. As a precaution though, I listen in on conversations and I watch out for what the person is saying before I talk. Once I get a green light, my extroversion intercepts. I come all out and then talk and talk and talk like conversations is going out of fashion.