Dear Diary: Moral Fatigue.

The terms and conditions that comes with being a good girl  is stifling me.

I need air.

I took the reins of my life off expectations and definitions and steered it in a direction that makes me breathe more calmly.

I became emotionally responsible and the fruit of that transition is:

I no longer crave to be who I am not.

I no longer crave to laugh at things that are not funny to me, and feel odd because they do not.

I now say I did not laugh because it is not funny to me or I did not laugh because I chose to. Progress is, I do not want to have to give an explanation at all because I should not be asked in the first place.

I should have a choice to want to laugh or not.

I no longer give compliments I do not mean because it is expected of me. Truth is, I do not want to to do what is expected of me, I want to do what I expect of me and that is living my truth.

I no longer shrink myself  because being me is to be too.

Too much, too odd.

To be me is to be this way- weird and to be a good girl is to be that way- not weird.

Connecting  the dots?

Moral fatigue…

I no longer live to up to a good that stifles my values and beliefs. Once I find that I am trying to be, I drop it.

I no longer want to be handed choices.

At times, a lot of times, I want to take them.

I no longer want to be good, I want to be Dee.

I do not want my right for preferences  stifled. I want to explore. Find different versions of me and test how they respond to the world.

At times, to be good in the spaces that matter is to ‘prove’.

I do not want to have to prove or be that kind of good and I do not want to matter in that space.

I want to matter in places that I was born to matter, in places where my authenticity is perceived correctly.

More importantly, I want to matter in the places that matter to me, places where I can be. I do not necessarily have to do or prove, I just have to be.

I no longer aspire to possibilities that have no bearing with my purpose or what I was born to do because:

You are supposed to.

Everybody is doing it.

I do not want to move with, in, underneath, above the flow.

I am my flow.

I regulate my current and decide what is too high and too low

I took more responsibility for my own life and extended to others the permission to do same.

I took the human equivalent of what poetic license is to literature.

L I B E R T Y

I gave up moral fatigue, took freedom and clutched my values.

All intact.

It is called audacity.

It is called responsibility.

It is called adulting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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